120 questions to ask your partner, from fun to deep

The best questions to ask your partner are open, specific and asked one at a time. “Which smell takes you straight back to childhood?” gets a story, while “How was your day?” usually gets “fine.” Below are 120 questions to ask your partner, from fun and light to deep, plus a quick guide to asking them so the conversation keeps going.

How to ask so it feels like a chat

• One question at dinner. Pick a question before you sit down and ask it once the food is on the table. It works on a regular weeknight or as part of one of these date night ideas at home.
• Take turns. You both answer every question. Switch who goes first, and if it’s a big one, offer to go first yourself.
• Follow up before you move on. “What was that like?”, “Who else was there?” and “Do you still feel that way?” get you further than a new question. The good stuff tends to come out in the second and third answers.
• Let either of you pass. A question that lands badly today might be the right one next month.
• Start light. Begin with the fun section and work toward the deep ones over a few weeks.

There’s some research behind the habit. In a 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, strangers who took turns answering 36 gradually more personal questions felt closer afterward than strangers who were given small talk. The Gottman Institute’s idea of love maps is about staying curious about each other’s inner world through ongoing questions, and it’s the first level of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House. People keep changing, so the questions never really run out.

Try it today: Pick one question from the memories section below. Ask it at dinner tonight, and ask two follow-ups before you give your own answer.

Fun and light questions

These are warm-ups for a weeknight dinner, a car ride or a long line at the grocery store.

1. What’s your go-to late-night snack? Then ask about the strangest combination they secretly love.
2. If a theme song played every time you walked into a room, what would it be? Humming counts as an answer.
3. What’s a small thing that instantly puts you in a good mood? Hitting every green light on the way home counts.
4. Which fictional world would you move to for a week? Follow up with the job they’d have there.
5. What’s your most useless talent? Live demonstrations are encouraged.
6. What’s a food you hated as a kid and love now? Olives and Brussels sprouts come up a lot.
7. If you could keep any animal as a pet, ignoring all logic, what would it be? A capybara is a strong choice.
8. What song do you know every word to and wish you didn’t? Expect an old commercial jingle.
9. What would the title of your autobiography be? Then each of you guesses the other’s.
10. What’s the most “you” thing in your bag or pockets right now? Show-and-tell rules apply.
11. What’s your most controversial food opinion? Pineapple on pizza is too easy, so dig deeper.
12. If you could master one hobby overnight, which would you pick? Pottery, skateboarding and sourdough are popular picks.
13. What’s the strangest dream you still remember? The ones with no logic make the best stories.
14. Who would play you in a movie about your life? And who would play me?
15. What’s a word or phrase you overuse? Your partner may already have a guess.
16. What does your perfect lazy Sunday look like, hour by hour? Get specific about the snacks.
17. If you could only eat one cuisine for a year, which would it be? Breakfast is included, so choose carefully.
18. What’s the nicest thing a stranger has ever said to you? It’s often something small that stuck.
19. Which app would embarrass you most if your screen time went public? No judgment, mostly.
20. What are you weirdly competitive about? Board games, parallel parking and guessing movie endings all count.

Questions to get to know your partner better

Even after years together, there’s usually plenty you haven’t asked. These fill in the background.

21. What did you want to be when you were seven? Then ask what they wanted at seventeen.
22. What’s something you changed your mind about in the last few years? Small things count, like a food or a band.
23. Who was your favorite teacher, and why? The “why” usually says something about them.
24. How do you recharge after a long week? Some people need a quiet room and some need a crowd.
25. What kind of praise means the most to you? Being thanked, being noticed and being told you did well can feel very different.
26. What were dinners like in your house growing up? Loud, quiet, TV on, or everyone eating at different times.
27. What’s a skill you’re proud of that most people don’t know about? Ask for a demonstration if it’s portable.
28. How do you like to be comforted when you’re sad? Space, a hug, a distraction or someone to listen.
29. Which friend knows you best, and how did you meet? Meeting stories are rarely boring.
30. Where, outside your home, feels most like home? A café, a library or a grandparent’s porch.
31. What do you wish people asked you about more? Then ask about it.
32. What’s a habit you’re trying to build right now? You might be able to help.
33. How do you like to celebrate a win, big or small? Cake, a quiet night in or telling everyone you know.
34. What’s a book, film or show that changed how you see something? Ask what exactly changed.
35. What were you like at fifteen? Old photos are a bonus.
36. What always makes you laugh, no matter how many times you see it? Pull it up and watch it together.
37. What does your ideal morning look like? Coffee first or shower first matters here.
38. What’s a small fear you have that seems silly? Moths, phone calls and escalators are common ones.
39. Which childhood tradition would you like to keep going? Maybe you can borrow it.
40. Where does your mind go when it wanders? Daydreams say a lot about a person.

Questions about memories

Memory questions suit slow dinners and long drives, because one answer often reminds you of another. If an answer is too good to lose, write it down. Several of these double as couples journal prompts.

41. What’s your earliest memory? Ask how old they think they were.
42. What’s the best birthday you’ve had? Find out what made it so good.
43. Which trip went wrong but became a great story? Missed trains and lost luggage are welcome.
44. What’s a meal you still think about? Get the details: where, who, and what was on the plate.
45. Who was your first best friend? Ask whether they still talk.
46. When did you feel proud of yourself as a kid? A spelling bee, a first bike ride, a drawing on the fridge.
47. What song takes you back to a specific summer? Put it on while they tell the story.
48. What’s the most trouble you got into growing up? The story may have grown a little over the years.
49. What’s a holiday memory that makes you smile? Any holiday and any year will do.
50. What was your first job like? Ask about the worst customer or the best coworker.
51. What’s the best advice an older person ever gave you? Then ask if they took it.
52. When was a stranger kind to you? These stories tend to stay with people for years.
53. What did your bedroom look like as a teenager? Paint colors and posters are fair game.
54. When did you last laugh so hard you cried? Retelling it usually starts the laughing again.
55. What did you collect as a kid? Stickers, rocks, trading cards, erasers shaped like food.
56. Which day would you live again exactly as it was? Ask them to walk you through it, hour by hour.
57. What did your family do on weekends when you were little? Errands count.
58. What’s the bravest thing you did before we met? Ask what made them do it.

Questions about dreams and the future

Try these on a walk, when you’re side by side and looking ahead anyway.

59. What would you learn if you had more spare time? A language, an instrument, how to fix a bike.
60. Where would you like to live for a year, just to try it? Ask what a normal day there would look like.
61. What does a good ordinary day look like for you five years from now? Skip the milestones and describe a Tuesday.
62. What’s on your bucket list that you’ve never said out loud? Promise not to laugh.
63. What kind of old person do you want to be? The one with the garden, the one who travels, or the one who knows every neighbor.
64. If you could start over, which career would you try? Ask what pulls them toward it.
65. Where’s a trip you want us to take someday? Start a list and keep it somewhere you’ll both see it.
66. What would you do with a whole year off? The first answer is usually “sleep,” so ask for the second.
67. What do you want to be known for? At work, among friends, or in general.
68. What’s a goal for this year you haven’t told many people? Ask how you can help.
69. What do you want to get better at by next summer? Something specific, like running a 5K or cooking without a recipe.
70. What would your dream home have that most homes don’t? A reading nook, a pizza oven, a slide.
71. What would you make if no one would ever see it? A song, a comic, a garden.
72. What tradition would you like to start? Ask when it would happen and who would come.
73. Who would you like to be closer to in the next few years? Friends and family both count.
74. What does “enough” look like to you? Enough work, enough rest, enough adventure.

Deep questions for couples

Save these for a slow evening when you’re both rested. Go one at a time, and leave a little quiet after each answer.

75. When do you feel most like yourself? Ask where they are and who they’re with.
76. What from your past do you still think about more than you’d like? Listen more than you advise.
77. What does love look like on an ordinary Tuesday? Answers here are usually small and specific.
78. What worries you about the future? You don’t have to fix it. Ask more instead.
79. What lesson did you have to learn more than once? Most people have one.
80. Who shaped you most, and how? A parent, a coach, a friend, a book.
81. What are you most grateful for right now? Go one level more specific than “my health.”
82. What would you tell your younger self? Ask which age they picked.
83. When did you last cry, and what brought it on? Happy tears count.
84. What do you need more of in your life right now? Rest, fun, quiet or help.
85. Which part of yourself are you still getting to know? It’s fine if the answer is “I’m not sure.”
86. What does a good life mean to you? Ask if the answer has changed since they were twenty.
87. What mistake taught you something important? Share one of yours too.
88. How do you know when you can trust someone? Ask what earns it and what loses it.
89. What are you proud of that nobody gave you credit for? Then give them the credit.
90. What do you find hardest to ask for? Help, time alone and reassurance are common answers.
91. Is there a question you avoid asking yourself? Let them answer as much or as little as they like.
92. If you knew you had one year left, what would you change about your days? Then ask which of those changes you could make together now.

Questions about us

These are about the two of you, so keep them warm. For the practical side, like plans and chores, a weekly relationship check-in is a better place.

93. What was your first impression of me? Brace yourself for honesty.
94. When did you know you liked me? Compare notes, because the dates rarely match.
95. What’s your favorite memory of us so far? Ask what they remember that you’ve forgotten.
96. What small thing do I do that makes you feel loved? Write it down and keep doing it.
97. What would you like us to do more often? Pick one and put it on the calendar.
98. Which inside joke of ours would you never explain to anyone? Say it out loud and see who laughs first.
99. What are we good at as a team? Cooking, trip planning, parallel parking with a spotter.
100. What’s something new you’d like to try together? A class, a hike, a recipe neither of you has made.
101. What song feels like us? Make it the first song on a shared playlist.
102. When do you feel closest to me? The answer may be smaller than you expect.
103. What surprised you about me once you got to know me? Start with the good surprises.
104. Which habit of mine do you secretly find cute? Humming while cooking, the way you fold socks.
105. How do you like to make up after a disagreement? Talk now, talk later, or a hug first.
106. What do you hope our friends say about us? Ask why that matters to them.
107. When were you proud of me? Then tell them about a time you were proud of them.
108. What’s something you’d like to know about me but haven’t asked? This one tends to open a whole new conversation.

Would-you-rather questions

Quick choices that make good tie-breakers on a road trip. For a hundred more, try these this or that questions for couples.

109. Would you rather have breakfast in bed or breakfast at a diner? Ask for the full order either way.
110. Would you rather talk to animals or speak every human language? Find out which animal they’d talk to first.
111. Would you rather spend a weekend in a cabin with no signal or in a big city with no plans? Ask what they’d do on day one.
112. Would you rather always know what I’m thinking, or have me always know what you’re thinking? Watch them weigh it.
113. Would you rather give up music or movies for a year? No sneaking soundtracks.
114. Would you rather live by the beach or in the mountains? Ask which beach or which mountains.
115. Would you rather redo high school knowing what you know now, or skip it entirely? Most people have a fast answer.
116. Would you rather get a handwritten letter or a surprise visit? Remember the answer for later.
117. Would you rather be famous for something embarrassing or unknown for something great? Ask what the embarrassing thing would be.
118. Would you rather visit 200 years in the past or 200 years in the future? Then ask what they’d bring back.
119. Would you rather host a dinner for fictional characters or historical figures? Then name the guest list.
120. Would you rather relive the day we met or see one day ten years ahead? Ask what they’d hope to see.

Try it today: Answer question 3 with a photo. Take a picture of the small thing that put you in a good mood today and send it to your partner with one line about why. On Pairloom, that can be today’s photo, with the reason written on the back.

Sources

• 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness, Greater Good in Action (based on Aron et al., 1997)
• How to Build Love Maps, The Gottman Institute