In short
- A bid is any small attempt to get your partner’s attention, interest or care, from “look at that” to a hand on your back.
- Turning toward a bid can be tiny: look up, react, and ask one question.
- Everyone misses bids. Circle back to the one you missed (“Sorry, what were you saying?”).
- When you’re apart, a photo or a quick text is a bid too, and a short, warm reply turns toward it.
On this page
A bid for connection is any small attempt to get your partner’s attention, interest or care. It might be “Look at that,” a hand on your back, or a sigh from the couch that means “ask me about my day.” Below you’ll find what bids are, 30 everyday bids for connection examples, how to answer each kind, and how to catch them when you’re busy or apart.
What is a bid for connection?
The term comes from the psychologist John Gottman. A bid can be a comment, a question, a touch, a look or a small request. Most bids are about something minor, like a bird at the feeder or a funny headline. What your partner is reaching for is a moment of your attention, and the bird gives them a reason to ask for it.
Some bids are obvious (“Can we talk?”). Others are easy to miss, like a meme sent at 2 p.m. or a partner who lingers in the doorway while you’re working.
Turning toward, away or against
Gottman describes three ways to respond to a bid. Say your partner looks up from their phone and says, “The neighbor’s dog is wearing a raincoat.”
- Turning toward means you notice and respond. “No way. Is it yellow?” Even a smile and a quick look out the window counts.
- Turning away means you miss it or ignore it. You keep reading, or you say “mm” without looking up.
- Turning against means responding with irritation. “I’m trying to work. Can you not?”
These small moments add up. In a study of newlyweds, couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time. Couples who later divorced had turned toward them 33% of the time.
Even 86% leaves plenty of room for missed moments. You don’t need to catch every bid. Aim to notice a few more than you do now.
30 everyday bids for connection examples
Bids come in a few shapes. Here are 30 common ones, grouped by type, with how to answer each kind.
Bids in words
- “Look at that.” A sunset, a dog in a sweater, a sign with a typo. Look where they’re pointing.
- “Guess what happened today.” It’s an opening for a story, so ask “What?” like you mean it.
- A sigh, or “Ugh, what a day.” Often it’s an invitation to ask how they’re doing.
- “I love this song.” They’re sharing something they like and hoping you’ll like it too.
- An inside joke or a silly voice. Playing along is a way of saying “I’m here.”
- A compliment, like “You look nice today.” Taking it with a smile turns toward it, and so does giving one back.
How to answer them. Look up, react, and ask one question: “Where?” “What happened?” “Who sings this?” That’s usually enough. If you’re in the middle of something, say so warmly: “Hang on, I want to hear this. Give me two minutes.”
Questions
- “What do you think of this?” They’re holding up a shirt, a paint swatch or a draft of an email, and they want your eyes on it.
- “Do you remember when…?” It’s an invitation to share a memory together.
- “How was your day?” Even the routine version is a bid, and it deserves more than “fine.”
- “Want to hear something weird?” The answer is always yes.
- “What should we have for dinner?” Sometimes it’s logistics, and sometimes it’s a way of asking for company in the kitchen.
- “Are you okay?” When your partner checks on you, that’s a bid too.
How to answer them. Give a real answer, then ask one back. “Do you remember when…?” is best met with your half of the memory (“Yes, and then the waiter dropped the cake”). For “Are you okay?”, an honest answer is turning toward, even if it’s “I’m tired, but thanks for asking.”
Touch
- A hand on your back as they walk past. A small check that you’re both still here.
- Reaching for your hand on a walk. Hold it, or bump shoulders if your hands are full.
- Leaning against you on the couch. An easy one to answer by leaning back.
- Cold feet tucked under your leg. Annoying, yes, and also a bid.
- A hug from behind while you’re cooking. Put the spoon down for a second.
- A playful nudge or a poke in the side. Usually an invitation to play.
How to answer them. Lean in, squeeze back, put an arm around them. If you’re not up for touch right then, say so kindly and offer something else: “I’m all sweaty from the run, but come sit with me.” That still turns toward them.
Sharing something
- Sending you a meme or a video. Most of the time it means “this made me think of you.”
- Showing you a photo on their phone. Their friend’s new puppy, an old picture of you two, a weird cloud.
- Telling you good news. A good meeting, a kind email from a friend, a parking spot right outside.
- Reading a line out loud from a book or an article. They want to know if you find it as funny or as strange as they do.
- Holding out a bite of their food. “Taste this” is one of the oldest bids there is.
- Sending a photo of their day. Their lunch, the view from the bus, a cat sitting on a wall.
How to answer them. React to the thing they shared before you change the subject. Good news deserves real enthusiasm. Gable and colleagues (2004) found that sharing positive events boosts well-being, and that enthusiastic, engaged responses from a partner go with more intimacy and daily satisfaction. “That’s amazing, tell me everything” lands very differently from a distracted “nice.”
Small requests
- “Can you help me open this jar?” The jar is real. So is the wish for a little help.
- “Will you come with me to the store?” Errands go faster with company.
- “Can you read this before I send it?” They trust your eyes on it.
- “Can you sit with me for a minute?” About as clear as a bid gets, and easy to answer.
- “Will you remind me to call the dentist?” Small, practical, and a sign they rely on you.
- “Can you scratch my back?” Two minutes well spent.
How to answer them. Say yes when you can. When you can’t, give a time: “I’m on a call until three, then I’m all yours.” A clear “later” still turns toward them.
Try it today: Keep a quiet count of your partner’s bids this evening. Try to turn toward each one you catch, even if it’s only a smile or a “Wait, show me.”
How to notice bids when you’re busy
Bids tend to get missed in ordinary busy moments: making dinner, answering email, scrolling at the end of a long day. A few habits help.
- Learn your partner’s quiet bids. Some people bid loudly. Others hover in the doorway, sigh, or say “so…” and trail off. Once you know theirs, you’ll spot them more often.
- Put your phone face down when they start talking. It takes a second and shows you’re listening.
- Use a “hold that thought” that comes back. “Give me five minutes, I want to hear this.” Then go find them when the five minutes are up.
- Circle back to the ones you missed. “Sorry, I was miles away earlier. What were you saying about your sister?” A late turn toward still counts.
- Make your own bids easier to catch. “I could use a hug” is easier to answer than a sigh in the next room.
- Build in small daily moments. A real hello at the door or tea at the same time each night gives bids a place to land. These little things to do for your partner are full of easy ones.
How to notice bids when you’re apart
When you’re at work, traveling or living in different cities, most bids arrive on your phone. A link, a “guess who I just saw,” a photo of a sandwich. They’re easy to skim past between meetings.
- Treat texts as bids. A meme at lunch is your partner thinking of you. You don’t have to text all day (here’s whether it’s normal not to text every day), but the messages that do arrive deserve a reaction.
- A quick reply counts. An emoji, a “Ha!”, or “Can’t talk, tell me tonight?” all turn toward the bid until you have time for more.
- Bring it up later. “You sent that photo of the bakery. Did you go in?” shows you saw it and remembered.
- Share a photo of your day. A picture of your lunch or the sky on your walk home is one of the easiest bids to make. Pairloom is built around this: each of you shares one photo a day, and your partner can leave a whisper (a short message) on yours to turn toward it.
- Keep a daily ritual. A good-morning text or a call on the way home gives bids a regular place to go. For more, see these daily rituals for long-distance couples.
Try it today: Send your partner a photo of one small thing from your day, like your lunch or the sky on your way home, with one line about it. When they send something back, reply to it before you change the subject.
Sources
- Turn Toward Instead of Away, The Gottman Institute
- Gable, Reis, Impett & Asher (2004), What do you do when things go right?, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
Questions people ask
How do you respond to a bid when you’re upset with your partner?
You can still turn toward small bids while you’re upset, even with a short, neutral reply. If you need space, say so and say when you’ll be back, like “I need twenty minutes, then I want to talk.”
Is it bad if I miss my partner’s bids sometimes?
Everyone misses some, especially when tired or distracted. What helps is noticing a few more over time and coming back to the ones you missed.
What if my partner rarely makes bids?
Some people bid quietly, with a glance or a pause in the doorway, so look for the small ones. Making more bids yourself and answering theirs warmly can help, and if it worries you, talk about it directly.
Do bids for connection only happen between couples?
No. Friends, parents, kids and coworkers make bids all the time. The idea is best known from couples research, and the habit of turning toward people helps in any close relationship.
