How to keep the spark alive in a relationship: 14 small ways

To keep the spark alive in a relationship, do new things together, stay curious about each other, cheer when your partner shares good news, and say thank you for the small stuff. If your relationship feels boring right now, or you two feel like roommates, you’re probably in a quiet patch, and those are a normal part of being together for a long time. Below are 14 small ideas, each with a concrete way to try it this week.

A quiet patch is normal

Early on, everything is new, so excitement shows up without anyone trying. Later, life fills in: work, errands, the same takeout order every week. That comfort is a good thing to have. It just means the spark needs a little tending now, the way a fire that’s been going for hours needs another log.

A quiet patch can look like evenings on separate screens, talk that’s mostly about the week’s plans, or a feeling that you know what the other will say before they say it. If you’ve been feeling like roommates, it doesn’t mean either of you did something wrong. None of the ideas below take much time, and most of them fit into an ordinary week.

Do something new together

In a study by Aron and colleagues (2000), couples who did new, exciting activities together reported less boredom and higher relationship quality. The activity can be small, as long as it’s new to both of you.

1. Try one new thing a month. Take turns picking something neither of you has done, like a pottery night, a climbing class, a sunrise hike or food from a country neither of you has visited. Put the first one on the calendar tonight.
2. Move your usual date somewhere new. Keep the format you like and change the setting, like having the same Friday dinner in a neighborhood you never go to. A new view makes a familiar evening feel different.
3. Be beginners together. Pick something neither of you is good at, like salsa, a language or sourdough. Do the first lesson this week, and enjoy being a bit bad at it side by side.

If you’d rather stay in, our date night ideas at home have plenty you probably haven’t tried yet.

Stay curious about each other

The Gottman Institute calls your knowledge of each other’s inner world a love map, and it’s the first level of their Sound Relationship House. Building one means staying curious through ongoing questions. What your partner hopes for this year may be quite different from what they hoped for when you met.

4. Ask a question you don’t know the answer to. Swap one “how was your day?” for something like “What are you looking forward to this month?” or “Who did you want to be at 12?” There are lots more in our list of questions to ask your partner.
5. Update the map every few weeks. Ask what’s been on their mind lately, like a worry at work or something they’d love to try. A week later, follow up with “How did that go?” so they know you were listening.
6. Trade stories you haven’t told. Your worst haircut, the first concert you went to, the summer job you hated, the teacher who was kind to you. Even after years together there are stories you’ve never heard, and a slow dinner is a good time to go looking for them.

Try it today: Tonight, ask “What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that you haven’t told me?” Then listen without trying to fix anything.

Cheer for each other’s good news

A lot of everyday spark lives in how you react to each other’s small wins. At the end of a long day it’s easy to answer good news with a quick “nice!” and keep scrolling. Gable and colleagues (2004) found that sharing positive events boosts well-being, and that enthusiastic, engaged responses from a partner go with more intimacy and daily satisfaction.

7. Turn up for good news. When your partner says their presentation went well, put the phone down, ask for the details and let yourself get excited with them. A follow-up like “What did they say after?” keeps the good moment going a little longer.
8. Celebrate small wins out loud. A finished project, a first run in months, a hard phone call finally made. Mark it with something small, like a toast at dinner or their favorite snack waiting for them.

Notice and say thank you

Algoe, Gable and Maisel (2010) found that everyday gratitude between partners predicted feeling more connected and satisfied the next day. Small thanks are some of the easiest sparks to strike, and they don’t need an occasion. The coffee they brought you and the night they let you pick the movie both count.

9. Say one specific thank-you a day. Name the thing, like “Thanks for texting me when you landed” or “Thank you for listening to me rant about the bus.” Specific thanks show you noticed, and being noticed is a big part of what spark feels like.
10. Leave a note where they’ll find it. Tuck one into a coat pocket or a book they’re reading, or send a photo with a line on the back. One sentence is plenty, and these love notes for your partner are there if you’re stuck.

Try it today: Take a photo of something small your partner did for you, like the playlist they made you or the snack they saved for you, and share it with a one-line thank-you. In Pairloom you can write that line on the back of the photo, and your two cards sit side by side for the day.

Get out of roommate mode

Feeling like roommates often happens when most of what you say to each other is logistics. If you live together, a shared home can slowly turn into a shared to-do list, and even if you don’t, conversations can drift into schedules and plans. These ideas bring back a bit of play.

11. Have a no-logistics dinner. Once a week, take errands, bills and schedules off the table for one meal. If someone slips, the other gets to say “logistics!” and you change the subject.
12. Flirt in the middle of the day. Send a message that has nothing to do with groceries, like a compliment or “still thinking about that night in the rain.” It takes five seconds and brightens a dull afternoon.
13. Recreate an early date. Go back to where you had your first date, or rebuild it at home with the same food and the same music. Ask each other the questions you asked back then and compare your answers.
14. Plan something to look forward to. A day trip, a concert or dinner at the place you keep talking about. Having it on the calendar gives you a reason to talk about the future, and the waiting is part of the fun.

Where to start

You don’t need all 14. Pick two from different sections: one that takes five minutes, like a daily thank-you or a midday flirt, and one you put on the calendar, like a new class or an early-date redo. Try them for a month and see how the two of you feel, then swap one out or add another. A running list on your phone of things you’d both like to try makes the next pick easy.

If you want to bring it up first, keep it light and about the two of you: “I’d love to try something new together this month. Want to pick something?” For more small, everyday ideas, see these habits of happy couples.

When it’s more than a quiet patch

Sometimes a flat stretch comes with something heavier, like old hurt or arguments that go in circles. If that sounds like you two, a licensed couples therapist is a good person to talk it through with.

Sources

• Aron, A., et al. (2000), on shared novel activities: Greater Good in Action
• Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. & Asher, E. R. (2004), on sharing positive events: PDF
• Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L. & Maisel, N. C. (2010), on everyday gratitude: ScienceDaily summary
• The Gottman Institute, on love maps: How to build love maps