15 habits of happy couples you can start this week

The habits of happy couples are mostly small and daily. They notice each other’s bids for attention, say thank you for ordinary things, get excited about each other’s news and keep trying new things together. Below are 15 of those habits, grouped by when they happen, each with one easy way to start this week.

Daily habits of happy couples

Most of what keeps two people close happens in passing, over coffee or in a text at 2 p.m. These six take seconds each.

1. They turn toward each other’s bids. A bid is any small reach for attention, like “look at that dog” or a sigh after a long call. Bids are easy to miss without meaning to, usually because of a phone or a half-written email. In a study of newlyweds described by the Gottman Institute, couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time. For couples who divorced, it was 33%.

   Start this week: When your partner points something out, look up and answer, even if all you say is “huh, wild.” We collected more examples in bids for connection.

2. They make hellos and goodbyes count. The first and last minutes of the day together are easy to rush, and a real hug at the door or a goodnight that sounds like you mean it takes about five seconds. When you see each other again, hold the logistics for a minute. Before “did you get milk?”, try “hi, I missed you.”

   Start this week: Make every goodbye a hug that lasts a little longer than usual. If you don’t live together, make your goodnight text one line longer than “night.”

3. They do small things often. Making their tea the way they like it, or saving them the crispy corner of the lasagna. The Gottman Institute’s view is that small, repeated rituals of connection build closeness more than grand gestures do. A small thing done every day shows you’re paying attention to who your partner is right now.

   Start this week: Pick one tiny thing and do it every day for seven days. If you need ideas, here are 50 little things to do for your partner.

4. They say thank you for ordinary things. “Thanks for texting me when you landed” means more than a general “you’re the best.” Algoe, Gable and Maisel (2010) found that everyday gratitude between partners predicted feeling more connected and satisfied the next day. The things your partner always does, like making coffee or remembering your mom’s birthday, are the easiest to stop noticing and the ones most worth thanking.

   Start this week: Each evening, thank your partner for one specific thing they did that day. Small counts. Refilling the water jug counts.

5. They share a little of their day. You don’t need a full debrief. One detail is plenty, like the guy on the train with a parrot or the song that’s been stuck in your head since lunch. The details add up. After a few weeks you know the names of their coworkers and which café always gets their order wrong, and they know yours.

   Start this week: Send one photo of something from your day that made you think of them, with a single line about why.

6. They touch in passing. A hand on the back as you squeeze past, or feet touching on the couch. Small touches say “I’m glad you’re here” without interrupting anything, and they don’t have to lead anywhere.

   Start this week: Add one small touch to a moment that usually has none, like waiting for the kettle or scrolling side by side.

Try it today: Take one photo of a small thing from your day, like your lunch or the view from your desk, and send it to your partner with a one-line note. Pairloom is built around this habit. You each share one photo a day, write a note on the back and see your two days side by side.

How happy couples talk to each other

Happy couples talk about plenty besides logistics. These four habits keep conversations warm, even in a week full of “did you book the vet?”

7. They get excited about each other’s good news. A flat “nice” after “I got the job” stings. Gable and colleagues (2004) found that sharing positive events boosts well-being, and that enthusiastic, engaged responses from a partner go with more intimacy and daily satisfaction. It’s tempting to jump to the practical part (“will the commute be longer?”). Save that for tomorrow and stay in the happy part with them first.

   Start this week: The next time your partner shares good news, ask two follow-up questions before you change the subject. “Wait, what did they say, exactly?” is a great one.

8. They stay curious about each other. People change, and the favorite band from three years ago may not be the favorite now. The Gottman Institute calls this building love maps, staying curious about each other’s inner world through ongoing questions, and puts it at the first level of its Sound Relationship House. The questions don’t need to be deep. “What are you looking forward to this month?” works fine.

   Start this week: Ask one question you don’t know the answer to. Our list of questions to ask your partner has plenty to pick from.

9. They check in on purpose. A short, regular check-in catches small annoyances while they’re still small. Fifteen minutes on a Sunday is enough, with questions like “How was this week for you?” and “Anything you need from me next week?” It also gives touchy topics a regular place to go, so they don’t come out sideways in an argument about the dishes.

   Start this week: Pick a time this weekend and each answer two relationship check-in questions. Keep it short so you both want to do it again.

10. They ask for what they need, plainly. Hints are hard to read, especially when someone is tired. “Can you call me on your lunch break? I’m nervous about this meeting” is much easier to say yes to than a heavy sigh. A direct request gives your partner a fair chance to show up for you.

    Start this week: Make one clear, kind request and say why it matters to you.

How happy couples handle the hard parts

Every couple disagrees. What happy couples share is the way they argue and how fast they find their way back.

11. They stay warm during a disagreement. The Gottman Institute’s 5:1 ratio applies to conflict specifically. Stable couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one while they disagree. Positive can be small, like a nod or an “okay, that’s fair.” It also helps to talk about the moment that bothered you instead of their character. “I felt left out at the party” goes over better than “you always ignore me.”

    Start this week: In your next disagreement, say one thing you agree with before you say what you don’t.

12. They make up quickly. A small fight on Monday doesn’t need to last until Thursday. Happy couples own their part, even when it’s a small part, and they have easy ways back to each other. Sometimes the way back is a sentence. Sometimes it’s a hand on the arm and a cup of tea set down next to them.

    Start this week: While you’re both calm, agree on a reset word that means “can we start over?” A silly one works best. “Rewind” is good. So is “new toast.”

13. They give each other room. You each have friends, hobbies, moods and questionable playlists that don’t need the other person in them. Time apart gives you new things to bring back and talk about.

    Start this week: Ask your partner what they’d do with two hours to themselves, then help them get those two hours.

If the same painful argument keeps coming back no matter what you try, a licensed couples therapist can help you both get unstuck.

Habits that keep things fun

14. They keep their inside jokes going. A nickname for the neighbor’s cat, or a line from a terrible movie you both still quote at the worst moments. Running jokes are a small language only the two of you speak. A well-timed callback can even make you both laugh in the middle of a tense afternoon.

    Start this week: Bring back an old joke you haven’t used in months and see how fast they catch it.

15. They try new things together. In a study by Aron and colleagues (2000), couples who did new, exciting activities together reported less boredom and higher relationship quality. New can be small, like a recipe from a cuisine neither of you has cooked or a trail you’ve never walked. A board game you’ve never played counts. So does a neighborhood you’ve only driven through.

    Start this week: Pick one new thing for the weekend and put it in both your calendars tonight, so you have something to look forward to.

How to start without overdoing it

Fifteen new habits at once is a lot. Pick one or two that feel easy and attach each to something you already do every day. Thank-yous fit after dinner, and a photo fits your lunch break.

You will forget some days. Missing one doesn’t undo anything, so pick it back up the next day without a speech about it.

It also helps to ask your partner which habit they’d like more of from you. You might hear something you’d never have guessed, like “I love it when you text me before a big meeting.”

Try it today: Tonight, tell your partner one specific thing you appreciated about them today. Then ask what the best part of their day was, and listen to the whole answer.

Sources

• The Gottman Institute, Turn toward instead of away (the newlywed study on bids)
• The Gottman Institute, The little things that keep love strong (small things often)
• Algoe, Gable and Maisel (2010), summarized by ScienceDaily (everyday gratitude between partners)
• Gable, Reis, Impett and Asher (2004), What do you do when things go right? (sharing good news)
• The Gottman Institute, How to build love maps
• The Gottman Institute, The magic relationship ratio, according to science (the 5:1 ratio during conflict)
• Aron et al. (2000), summarized by Greater Good in Action (new and exciting activities)