Long-distance relationship tips: 15 ways to make it work

A long-distance relationship works best when you both know roughly where it’s heading, the next visit is on the calendar, you talk on a rhythm that suits you both, and you each keep a full life where you are. Below are 15 practical tips, from how often to talk to what to do when jealousy shows up. This is the big-picture guide. For small habits to fit into each day, see our daily rituals for long-distance couples.

What distance changes

Distance takes away the easy moments, like catching each other’s mood across the kitchen or chatting on the walk to the store. It changes a few other things too. Jiang and Hancock (2013) found that long-distance couples interacted less often but felt more intimate. The researchers linked that to two habits: partners who were apart shared more about themselves, and they idealized each other’s behavior.

Both are worth knowing about. Sharing more is a habit to keep on purpose, and a few of the tips below protect it. And since everyone looks a little shinier from far away, give each other room to be the tired, ordinary versions of yourselves when you’re together.

Talk on a rhythm, without the pressure

There’s no correct number of calls or messages. The rhythm that works is one you both chose and can keep up on a bad week. It can change, too. Exam season or a hard month at work might call for a lighter rhythm for a while.

1. Agree on a rhythm out loud. Talk about how often you each want to hear from the other and what kind of contact feels good, whether that’s a nightly call or messages through the day and a long call on Sundays. Most of us assume our own habit is the normal one, so say yours plainly and adjust when work or school changes.
2. Make quiet days easy. Say when you’ll be busy or off your phone (“I’m at my sister’s all evening, talk tomorrow”) so silence doesn’t need decoding. A day with little texting is often fine, and we wrote more about whether it’s normal not to text every day.
3. Talk about more than logistics. Flight times and “how was your day?” can fill a whole call. Leave room for things with no agenda, like a memory that came back out of nowhere or what you’d do with a spare Saturday.
4. Have hard conversations on a call. Text strips out tone, and a hurt message can sit for hours while the other person sleeps. If something needs talking through, ask “Can we call about this tonight?” and wait until you can hear each other.

Know where it’s heading

Distance with a rough shape is easier to live with than distance with no end in sight. Nobody needs every answer at the start, and a direction plus a next date gives the weeks some structure. If you don’t agree on the direction yet, that’s worth knowing early, and it’s fine for either of you to ask for time to think.

5. Talk about the end date, or at least the direction. You don’t need a moving date on day one. It does help to know you’re pointing the same way, whether that’s one of you moving after graduation or agreeing to revisit the plan in six months.
6. Keep the next visit on the calendar. A date to count down to changes how the weeks feel, even if it’s months away. Pencil in the next one before the current visit ends.
7. Plan the next visit together. Keep a shared list of things to do next time, like a restaurant or a film you’re saving. Adding to it on an ordinary Tuesday is a small way of saying you’re thinking about the two of you.

Try it today: Ask your partner, “When do you think we’ll see each other next?” If neither of you knows, pick a rough date together tonight, even if it might move.

Build trust and handle jealousy

Trust over distance comes from the same things as anywhere else, with fewer chances to see them in person. Most of it is doing what you said you’d do and talking about worries while they’re still small.

8. Be predictable in small things. Call when you said you would, and send a quick “running late” when you can’t. Over distance, trust grows out of small promises kept.
9. Say jealousy out loud, early. Jealousy is a normal feeling, and it gets harder to raise the longer it sits. Put it as a feeling: “I felt a bit left out seeing the photos from Saturday” opens a conversation that “Who was that?” would shut down.
10. Ask what reassurance looks like. For one person it’s a text when they get home, and for another it’s meeting your friends on a video call. Ask each other, and offer what you’re both comfortable with.
11. Notice the stories you tell yourself. With less to go on, it’s easy to fill the gaps with the worst version, and a late reply turns into “they’re losing interest.” Before reacting, check what you know for sure, then ask.

Make visits count

When visits are rare, each one carries a lot of hope. A little planning keeps the pressure off, and so does talking beforehand about what you each want from it, whether that’s a full itinerary or a quiet couple of days on the couch.

12. Leave room for ordinary days. It’s tempting to pack every visit with plans. Keep a day for groceries and doing nothing much, because seeing each other’s normal routine is part of knowing each other.
13. Plan for the goodbye. The last day of a visit and the first day after can be the hardest. Have something small lined up for the day after, like a call that evening or a walk with a friend.

Stay close between visits

The weeks between visits are most of the relationship, so it’s worth making them feel like part of it. Keep it small and steady, and match it to the rhythm you agreed on.

14. Show up in small ways every day. A morning message with one real detail or a photo of your lunch keeps you in each other’s days without needing a long call. On the nights you overlap, plan something bigger from these long-distance date ideas.
15. Keep your own life full. See friends, keep the Thursday run, and say yes to the class you keep meaning to take. A full life where you are makes you better company on the phone and gives you more to share.

Try it today: Send your partner a photo of something from your day they’d never otherwise see, like your desk at 3 p.m. or the dinner you just made, with one line about it. In Pairloom you write that line on the back of the photo, and your partner can leave a whisper on it.

A monthly look at the bigger picture

Once a month, take 20 minutes on a call to check how things are going. Pick a night when neither of you is exhausted, keep it relaxed, and take turns choosing the questions. A few questions to start with:

• Is the way we keep in touch still working for both of us?
• When’s the next visit, and who’s planning it?
• Is anything bothering you that we haven’t talked about?
• Do we still want the same thing at the end of this?

You don’t have to fix everything in one call. If something big comes up, agree to think about it and come back to it on the weekend. For more, these relationship check-in questions work just as well over video.

When it gets hard

Some stretches are just hard, like a canceled visit or a fight that won’t settle over the phone. Say so to each other, and lean on the people near you. It helps to have a plan for the low days, like a friend you can call or a walk that clears your head. If the same argument keeps coming back, a licensed couples therapist can help, and many work over video.

Sources

• Jiang, L. C. & Hancock, J. T. (2013), on intimacy in long-distance relationships: Cornell Chronicle summary